we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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