I wish I only lived at night.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
