my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
