Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
you had me at cake vodka
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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