Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
