just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
