Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
