got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
