you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
