After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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