Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
