i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
