guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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