I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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