It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
