I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
