the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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