Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
BRING THE BAGELS
Let the clothes fall where they may.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
