I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
