God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
