If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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