In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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