It was confusing and full of hummus
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Then you guys just all showered together...?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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