i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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