I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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