college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
