If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
