Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
