I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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