I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
