I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
