I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
