Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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