So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i need some magic done to my vagina
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
