i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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