drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
