bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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