I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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