a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
