So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
