And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
