OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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