I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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