I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Randomize
