totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
