you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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