I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
zippers are such a cool invention
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
