she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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