can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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