I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
