I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
