Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
